Monday, Jan. 22, 2007: 3:24 p.m.
Snakes on a Plane
This is my personal synopsis of Snakes on a Plane as told to my older sister in Japan. Warning: It does include spoilers, but if you have no interest in seeing the movie, but would like to hear how retarded it is from someone who did, then read on!
(Holy shit, I just realized that not only is this my first post of 2007, it's my first post in over a month!)
Snort Mooncrack..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = AIM /><..timestamp> (4:22:06 PM): are you seriously still on?Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:22:26 PM): no, i'm seriously afk, sleeping
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:22:29 PM): it's not a sane hour
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:22:56 PM): you aren't on when i try to talk to you at a normal hour, but you are when it's like 6:30 in the morning
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:25:20 PM): i know!
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:25:24 PM): i'm so messed up
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:25:28 PM): >_<
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:25:38 PM): i watched snakes on a plane for you
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:28:57 PM): tell me all about it!
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:29:03 PM): it was fucking retarded
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:29:28 PM): and if i hadn't been drunk i don't know that i would have been able to stand it
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:29:34 PM): lol
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:29:52 PM): there was a lot of unnecessary things that happened
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:30:10 PM): these people were having sex in the bathroom and the chick got bit on the nipple
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:30:22 PM): a guy went to go pee and got bit on the penis
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:30:35 PM): parts of the movie were genious, but most of it was fucking retarded
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:31:19 PM): first off, the flight was flying out of hawaii. how did they manage to sneak THAT MANY SNAKES into hawaii in order to sneak them back out
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:31:34 PM): because there are no snakes in hawaii and the streets are paved with cheese
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:32:59 PM): seriously, i learned about this in high school
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:33:08 PM): there are no snakes in hawaii
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:33:41 PM): there are no indeigenous snakes and bringing snakes into hawaii is illegal (but so is putting a shit load of them onto a plane to kill people i guess)
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:34:56 PM): anyway, so this guy sees a mob boss kill a dude and then they try to kill him so samuel l. jackson who is an fbi agent comes to the witness's house and tells him that he has to fly to l.a. to testify in the case against the guy
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:35:06 PM): so after a lot of coaxing, he agrees
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:36:25 PM): well SOMEHOW the mob guy gets a whole shit load of poisonous snakes from around the world and one anaconda sent to hawaii and sneaks them all on the plane. then all the leis (sp?) are sprayed with pheromones to make the snakes go ape shit.
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:37:08 PM): and the crate of leis filled with snakes has a timer on it so when they are above the ocean and can't just land at some random airport, they have to keep going, the snakes are released
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:37:57 PM): the odd thing is that its one of those planes with first class upstairs and coach downstairs. as fucking huge as this plane is, there's only like 30 people on it
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:38:35 PM): as in any plane movie there is random hippie couple, just married couple, two kids "flying alone for the first time,
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:42:27 PM): random fat lady, random rapper with two body guards (one being kenan), mean old guy (who you know withing five minutes is going to have the worst death), woman with the annoying chihuahua (which you know is going to die), mexican lady with a baby, one old lady flight attendant, one hot young blonde flight attendant, one flight attendent who is played by julianna marguliese (formerly of tv's E.R.), one flight attendant guy who everyone is sure is gay, random kickboxer guy, old pilot, fat sexist pilot, witness guy, samuel l. jackson, his partner and 15 other people with no names who are just going to die
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:42:31 PM): are you with me?
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:46:20 PM): you have to acknowledge you are reading or i will stop typing
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:48:08 PM): yes
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:48:10 PM): i am reading
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:48:13 PM): you are hilarity
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:48:16 PM): ok
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:49:38 PM): so the first thing that happens once the snakes are released in the cargo hold is that they start looking around and the hippie couple goes into the bathroom, disable the smoke alarm and start smoking a joint and having sex
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:50:52 PM): two or three snakes fall out of the ceiling where the snake alarm was and bite the guy on the neck and the girl on the nipple and no one apparently hears them screaming for dear life but old lady flight attendent who just thinks they are having good sex
Midgar310<..timestamp> (4:51:17 PM): of course
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:56:41 PM): well the snakes are so MAD about the pheromones that thay SOMEHOW manage to fuck up a lot of the controls and stuff in the cargo hold. well the captain (old pilot) goes down to check out what is wrong and gets bit by a snake and when he doesn't return someone goes to check on him and just thinks that he had a heart attack, which is retarded because they check his pulse on his neck and that's where he was bitten, but NO ONE NOTICES THE SNAKE BITE ON HIS NECK WHERE THEY ARE CHECKING HIS PULSE
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:57:04 PM): however the plane is still flying fine because fat sexist pilot is flying
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:58:06 PM): btw, all the people that were supposed to be in first class had to sit in coach because of the witness guy needing to be protected, so even with everyone from first class being moved to coach, there are still only like thirty people on this huge plane, which would never happen
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:59:22 PM): young blonde flight attendent is flirting with witness guy, samuel l. jackson if slirting with julianna margulese and lady with the annoying chihuahua is flirting with rapper guy. there is enough space on this plane that not only does no one have anyone sitting next to them, but most people have a whole fucking row to themselves..
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (4:59:55 PM): well snakes fuck with more shit and the oxygen masks are dropped, which apparently where most of the snakes got to and snakes just start falling one EVERYONE
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:00:04 PM): on^
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:00:28 PM): fat lady gets bit and dies as well as everyone else who doesn't have a name
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:01:16 PM): probably the grossest death though is one guy falls down and everyone is running to the front of the plane and some woman steps on his head with her heelled shoe and kills him, that was pretty gross
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:01:28 PM): eewww
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:02:26 PM): so everyone i named that i haven't said has died moved to the front of the plane because apparently the snakes aren't at the front of the plane. people with names that have been bit but haven't died include one of the kids, one of the rapper's body guards and old lady flight attendent
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:02:46 PM): mexican woman with the baby is unconcious where all the snakes are, but hasn't been bitten and her baby is missing
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:03:03 PM): old lady flight attendent hasn't been bitten yet, i apologize.
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:03:30 PM): well they take all the lugagge they find in the front of the plane and barracade the walkways from the back of the plane into the front of the plane
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:03:55 PM): then old lady flight attendant hear's mexican woman with a baby's baby crying and goes back to the back of the plane to find it
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:04:01 PM): because snakes aren't good at finding holes and cracks to wiggle through, clearly
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:04:06 PM): of course not
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:04:31 PM): samuel l. jackson is helping people into the front of the plane and he has a taser and is tasing snakes left and right
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:05:14 PM): woman with the annoying chihuahua is unconcious with the snakes and wakes up and random kick boxer guy is like "get on my back, i will carry you to the front" and she is holding her dog and they go to the front without getting bitten
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:05:36 PM): old flight attendent finds the baby and gets bit saving it, but she gets bit by a snake with a slow acting venom
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:05:49 PM): if you have a name you get bitten, its by a snake with a slow acting venom
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:06:04 PM): everyone else is bit by a snake that's venom kills you in two minutes
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:06:37 PM): well mexican lady wakes up without her baby and looks for it and gets to the front of the plane where baby has been saved already
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:07:43 PM): gayish flight attendent tells bodyguard of rapper who gotten bitten (not kenan, the other one) that they have to suck the venom out, but he got bit on the ass and doesn't want gay guy sucking his ass
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:08:27 PM): meanwhile, two feet over, mexican lady says she has to suck the venom out of the kids arm and asks juliana margulese for some olive oil, and she happens to have some. mexican lady cuts open kid who got bit
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:08:53 PM): bit's arm with her earring, swishes some olive oil around in her mouth and sucks the poison out of the kids arm
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:10:07 PM): meanwhile samuel l. jackson says they need weapons to fight off snakes that get to the front, but they don't have silverware because its a plane, so juliana margulese starts breaking open alcohol bottles
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:10:14 PM): like beer bottles in bar fights
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:11:08 PM): well other pilot gets bit and falls into the cargo hold and the plane starts flying crazy like, the drink carts fly from the back of the plane and break the barracades keeping the snakes back so people are getting bit again
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:11:18 PM): newly married couple dies
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:11:49 PM): people are trying to get upstairs into the first class section because everyone knows snakes can't climb stairs because they have no arms and legs
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:12:18 PM): hahaa
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:12:20 PM): what
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:12:22 PM): haha
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:12:36 PM): well more shaking happens and anaconda falls out of some lighting fixture and starts coming towards the stairs and he grabs the chihuahua from the other lady and throws it at the anaconda to hold it off and she starts screaming
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:13:08 PM): well then he falls over by the anaconda and even though it just ate, it wraps around mean guy and starts to eat him starting at the head
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:13:18 PM): old flight attendent lady has died by this point
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:14:19 PM): everyone gets up stairs. juliana margulese and samuel l. jackson go into the cockpit only to find that there are more snakes and the other pilot has dissappeared and is probably dead.
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:14:42 PM): well to everyone's surprise and dismay, the snakes start coming up the stairs
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:14:47 PM): outsmarting all the humans
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:15:12 PM): so they open a life raft and stick it in the stairwell so the snakes can't get up there
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:15:48 PM): well the lights and stuff have gone out and they need to fix it and pull the plane up but there are snakes in the cockpit and no pilots
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:16:31 PM): well juliana margulese and samuel. l jackson make a bunch of weapons and plan on fighting their way through the snakes into the cockpit
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:17:07 PM): witness guy is like "i want to help" and samuel l. jackson is like, "too bad because if you die, then all these people would have died for nothing"
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:18:38 PM): also, samuel l. jackson's partner is dead and he has been talking to some other guy from the fbi on the phone the whole time letting them know what's going on and other fbi guy got a snake specialist and samuel l. jackson and some other people round up all the dead snakes they can find and start sending pictures to fbi guy and poisonous snake specialist so that they can find the antivenoms so that when the people land, they can get treated
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:19:12 PM): well other fbi guy and snake specialist find the guy who had gotten all the snakes for the mob guy and he happens to ahve all the anti venoms they need so they take the antivenoms and go to the airport to wait for the plane to land
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:19:19 PM): lol
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:20:33 PM): back on the plane, juliana margulese and samuel l. jackson take their home made snaking killing weapons and go into the cockpit and kill all the snakes. then juliana margulese stays with the passengers on a walkie talkie with samuel l. jackson who is in the cargo hold finding the switches and buttons he needs to get the lights and air conditioner back on
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:21:19 PM): so they do that, but the plane is starting to fall too fast so samuel l. jackson and julianan margulese who both have had no plane fliying training whatsoever manage to pull the plane back up to an appropriate altitude
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:22:08 PM): then they hear banging from the cargo hold and its fat racist pilot who apparently only got bitten on the arm by a less poisonous snake and was uncouncious from falling into the cockpit is back and takes control of the plane
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:22:48 PM): well samuel l. jackson and juliana margolese go back to hanging with the passengers for a while and they're like "oh, we're going to land soon, let's go talk to pilot guy"
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:24:57 PM): well they open the door and there are more snakes in the cockpit and pilot guy is dead, but there are just too many snakes to kill with their makeshift weapons and they're like "Can anybody fly a plane?" and kenan is like "I can." but there are too many snakes in the cockpit to just open and kill so everyone gets buckled and hangs onto to something and samuel l. jackson shoots out one of the windows causing a vacuum effect, they open the door to the cockpit and all the snakes from the cockpit fly out of the plane. kenan and samuel l. jackson go into the cockpit and sit down to land the plane with the direction of the tower
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:25:39 PM): meanwhile, everyone is screaming while shit is flying out of the side of the plane, including the raft holding all the snakes downstairs and the snakes from downstairs start flying out of the side of the plane
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:25:54 PM): the best part is when the anaconda with the half eaten guy fly out, that made me laugh a lot
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:25:59 PM): it was just funny
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:26:24 PM): anyway, you come to find out that kenans only flying experience comes from playing flight simulators on PS2
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:26:34 PM): oh yay!
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:26:54 PM): however with help from the tower he still manages to land the plane just fine and everyone is safe
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:27:29 PM): so all the alive people are getting off the plane and telling the poisonous snake expert which snakes bit them so they get the right treatment
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:28:02 PM): the last two people on the plane are samuel. l. jackson and witness guy and they are talking and out of no where a snake flys up and bites witness guy on the chest
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:28:42 PM): right away, samuel. l. jackson pulls out his gun and shoots the snake and guy in the chest and he falls down the slide and samuel l. jackson follows
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:29:20 PM): they rip the dude's shirt open and he was wearing a bullet proof vest so he didn't really get bit by the snake or get shot in the chest plate, he is just in pain because it stung
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:29:56 PM): then everything turns out great and the movie ends with, i swear to god, samuel l. jackson and witness guy surfing somewhere
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:30:46 PM): THE END
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:31:14 PM): that's awesome
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:31:19 PM): it was retarded
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:31:29 PM): i don't think i would have been able to stand it if i hadn't been drinking
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:31:43 PM): it was just retarded
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:32:20 PM): hee
Midgar310<..timestamp> (5:32:27 PM): i think it would have made me groan and giggle a lot
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:32:49 PM): really the one that grossed me out the most was the guy getting a heel in the head
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:33:31 PM): anyway, its cold and the battery is low so i have to get back to the house
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:33:50 PM): you need to go to bed, i hope this was a lovely bedtime story
Snort Mooncrack<..timestamp> (5:34:13 PM): i love you
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