Tuesday, Dec. 06, 2005: 10:38 a.m.
Wow. So lately, I have felt like crap (physically and emotionally) since I have come back from Wilmington. I did have a great time, really. It�s just that when I came back to my dorm, I realized how much I hate it here. I hate it. I�m worried that it�s not that I hate Catawba, it might be that I hate college. I had talked about it with Gailmi and she said that she really (not kidding) expected me to drop out of college and go around the country touring as a stand-up comic. God, if only I could show everyone how I felt at that moment. I would love to do that. I wanted to do it this summer, but with no car, I couldn�t tour anything. She asked me what was stopping me from dropping out of college and touring the US. Was it money? Was it the whole not having a car thing? No, it was fear. It was fear of my parents. Parents suck and are not nearly as dependable as they would lead you to believe. I felt like when I was a kid, anything I needed, if my parents could give it to me, they would. Now that I am older, I realize I have to lead my life they way they want it first. If I even dreamed about quitting school and going on tour, I�d better wake up and apologize� I just realized that I have gotten completely off of the topic that I had originally signed on to post. But this one is worthy as well. Let me sum it up. Anyway, my parents have always told me that they will support me in the decisions I make for myself, however, not finishing college is not an option. College just isn�t for some people and I feel like I am wasting my life here and losing my mind in the process.
Anyway, the reason I got on in the first place was to tell you that Sunday night I had a terrible day and I felt fifteen degrees of awful and it was raining and stupid outside. I stood out there to have a smoke and I came back in, looked at the second floor bathroom (the uninhabited floor) and ran in, through off my clothes and jumped in the shower. I had no towel or anything and since no one lived on this floor, I sat down in the shower without the fear of gonorrhea. I sat in there just thinking and talking to myself and realized how alive I felt in that moment. I stayed in the shower four about half and hour (that rhymed!) and when I got out, I felt amazing. It was the best I have felt the entire time I�ve been here, and I was just fucking showering. Amazing, simply amazing. I don�t want to explain what it was that made me feel that way because it sounds cheesy, but wow. Then, around 3:00 AM, Tiffany Tesh and I went to Wal*Mart and bought hair dye and I dyed my hair for the first time in almost a year. Nothing permanent, 28 washes, dark brown, almost black. I stayed up all night, so last night, I passed out by 9:00 and woke up around 9:30 this morning and I feel amazing. I�d like to tell you more about my life altering experience, but I need to get ready for the Pioneer (school newspaper) Party and the return to Trinity Oaks (tell you about that later.) Since I dyed my hair, MySpace folks can expect some new pics within the next few days. Ta-Ta for now.
Snort the mooncrack.
MOONCRACKHEAD AND AWAY!
P.S. We are doing Secret Santa in our dorms and today we are supposed to give them a homemade gift (tomorrow, the big one) and my RA just brought me the homemade gift from my Secret Santa and it's this fucking awesome patchwork pillow that's red, black and white. Part of it it white and black checkerboard, part is red bandana, part is red with white stars and their are other fabrics on it, but it is so fucking cool, it put me in an even better mood. ^_^
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