Sunday, Aug. 11, 2002: 7:50 p.m.
YAY! HAPPY 100th ENTRY MOONCRACK! Actually, it�s not so happy. I would pick my 100th entry to be a depressing one.
Okay, this is another entry secretly written on Phil�s computer. It�s 2:21 am. I can�t sleep. It�s what? Sunday now? I start school tomorrow. I still have a goddamned day, I�m going insane. I had my first ever serious conversation with Jessie. You people don�t understand I�ve known this girl for over twelve years; I�ve never had a serious conversation. We talked about a lot of things. She wants to start changing and it�s weird. I thought I had at least one good friend who would stay a kid with me, but I guess I was wrong. I�m not mad at her, but it just makes me feel more alone now than ever. School will start back; I will be all alone in this house now. Jessie wants to grow up now, I�m the only one left in the kiddie pool. I don�t know how to take it. Is it that everyone left me or am I just sitting waiting for someone to hold my hand and take me to the deep end? I�ve been crying on and off since 8:00 pm. I really don�t know what to do. Is it time to grow up? Should I really start trying to work and stop playing? Is it time for me to grow up? I don�t know. In what? A month and a half, I�ll be fifteen. I just don�t know anymore. I explained to Jessie that this is the thing. Mom and I were talking about how I need to quit biting my fingernails. I said we could buy that nail polish type stuff that makes your nails taste bad so you don�t bite them, but that would make me stop sucking my thumb too. (Yes, people, almost fifteen and I still suck my thumb.) She pointed out, HELLO, that�s not a bad thing and asked what was wrong with stopping sucking my thumb. I didn�t know what to say. I sat down and thought about it later and realized this: that�s one of the last things I need to do before I really grow up. What�s wrong with growing up? There�s nothing wrong with growing up, I just don�t want to grow old. When you grow up you grow old and you die. I don�t want to die. I don�t want to watch the people and things I love die. I know I�m not that old at all, I�m still a kid, but I don�t know if I ever want to grow up. I don�t want to be old and die. Is that wrong of me to think that? Is it dumb? After school starts back and Gailmi and Phil go off, I�ll talk to mom about getting shrink. I know I�m not crazy, but I can�t talk to mom about things. I always feel like she�s laughing at me. I think it would be easier to talk to a stranger, you know? Well fuck, what is there to say? I�m tired, I need friends, and I don�t have enough of those. The only friends I have are the ones that want me to listen to their problems, none that want to listen to mine. Maybe that�s because once I get going, I don�t stop.
Mom makes me mad sometimes. I was talking to her the other day. She gets so frustrated and she has such a short temper. We got to the subject of how she can�t move because I live with her and she�s staying where we are because she knows that Laney gets more money for its Drama program than any other school in the state. (Laney is my high school, ladies and gentlemen.) Anyway, and I mentioned something about New York and that irritated her and she told me that even if we did move up there, which there was no way in hell we would, it�s not like I would instantly become famous. I told that I didn�t think I would become instantly famous, but it would be a lot easier to get a part in New York than Wilmington, North Carolina. Then she said that I don�t do anything to get parts anyway and I told her it�s because I try to not be in the way and not make her have to bend over backwards for me and she had to tell me that she had to do that anyway and it was all part of parenting and then she went off on one of her fits. I can�t talk hypothetically with her. She takes everything literal.
Going back to the Jessie conversation; apparently she and Alyssa have decided that they �need� boyfriends. I tried to discuss this with Jessie, but it didn�t work well. She couldn�t come up with a better reason for �needing� a boyfriend than �I just want one.� It irritated me. When she told me that I �just didn�t understand� and I got pissed and told her that no, I didn�t understand but obviously, neither did she because she couldn�t explain herself. I told her that I knew how she felt, I wasn�t dumb. I explained that I too have had that dumb feeling where I think I need a boyfriend and I think about it and I think it goes back to my fear of growing old again. It has to do with girls and they�re silly hormones and their dumb fear of growing old by themselves and no one loving them. It all went back to that. Then I told her that I did know how she felt, but, no, I still did not understand it. Just because I had the feeling sometimes doesn�t make it logical or even ethical, but yes, it is normal. I made her feel like she wasn�t alone and like she wasn�t a freak while making myself feel dumb and used again. I seem to be excellent at helping people solve their problems, but goddamn, when it comes to my own, I am clueless.
Okay, this is about 1 minute after the previous paragraph, but I am irritated. I guess you could say I wasn�t minding my business, but if you think about it, it kind of is my business. Again, good thing Phil doesn�t read this diary. Phil told us that he would start writing journal entries for his page if we would post them for him. Well while typing this, I noticed a file that wasn�t mine in here. (This is his computer after all, but I thought I was the only person who used it for typing.) I minimized this file and opened the one that caught my eye and read it. Well I�m not surprised, but I am a little disappointed. It was written by Phil, apparently the night Sean showed up (I�m proud of myself for not feeling it was important enough to write an entry about it) and it was about a lot of stuff. This is the thing that caught my attention the most. He talked about �the scare� and how he really wishes him and Felicia (his girlfriend) had waited to have sex. People, this next thing I�m going to say is really mean, but it�s little sister�s intuition and I want you to know that in the history of the world, no little sister�s intuition was ever wrong, honest to god, especially about older siblings� relationships. Ever since Phil and Felicia (odd names, huh?) have started going out, I�ve always said that she was using him for something. I love my brother, I really do, but she�s using him for a greater plan. He�s not the best looking guy, but she is kind of pretty. This has happened with every girl he�s dated since he started high school. I feel horrible about it, I really do, but I think she is trying to get pregnant. I�ve suspected this a good while now and here�s the plan. Phil is a nice guy. Maybe he�s not too nice to Gailmi and me, but he treats his girlfriends like goddesses. Felicia doesn�t come from a strong family. Her family doesn�t have any class to them at all. Phil wants to go places in his life. Her parents didn�t go to college; her mom�s a lunch lady. Phil is going far and he�s going to make serious money. He�s a good guy. I think she�s trying to get pregnant (and her mother is trying to get her there too) and that way, Phil will support her for the rest of her life. I know that sounds so cruel, but it comes from my heart. I just feel it. I really hope he doesn�t get himself into this mess. She told him that the only reason she even dated the guy before him was for the sex. She was on birth control until just about a month ago, put things together. Her mother encourages them to have sex, it just adds up. It hurts but it adds up. I really don�t know what else to say. Wow, I really am so unexplainably glad he doesn�t read my diary and it is really is smart of me to save these on a disk so he doesn�t catch hold of them. Anyway, it�s 3:26 am so I�m going to see if I can�t rest a bit, hmm.
Snort the mooncrack.
MOONCRACKHEAD AND AWAY!
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